I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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