apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize