1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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