I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
