I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
