The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
