it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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