If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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