you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
