I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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