Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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