Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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