Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
