nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
