My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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