I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
