i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
