so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
