Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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