ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I want a musical about memes.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
