Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
