When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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