I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
