I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
