the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize