I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
