Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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