Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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