How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
