During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Randomize
