Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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