I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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