We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
