i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize