I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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