my vag is so smooth its legendary
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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