i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
