Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
