My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
