can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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