it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Randomize
