ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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