you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
there is glitter all over my balls
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
