Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
