When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
