Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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