Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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