i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
