yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
