Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
