hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
