If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
