you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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