I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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