This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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