i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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