Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
